In psychotherapy, there is a lot of talk about respecting one’s own and others’ boundaries, about the need to learn assertiveness and avoid violence in communication. The problem is that by the very fact of being aware of one’s own boundaries, one can gain a lot (e.g. one’s own individuality and maturity), but also lose a lot (relationships with loved ones based on the lack of boundaries).
Everyone has their own scripts of behavior and expectations towards others, especially loved ones. Even if we understand what different behaviors result from, thanks to empathy and compassion, it does not mean that we tolerate them or agree with the individuality of a loved one.
Why can this be so? Well, individuality is a threat in general, because it is associated with responsibility and being guided by values that may be unfortunate for others — we do not cultivate a certain way of thinking, but our own.
We then fight against the imposed narcissism of someone who has some kind of power due to their social position (father over son, mother over daughter and son, brother over sister, policeman over citizen, leader over nation, etc.) resulting from a certain culture and policy that gave a given person or social group a chance to survive. Individuality is then controversial because it destroys the coherence of the system.
What about a close relationship? It should be simpler. But why do we build relationships and strive for monogamy and the durability of relationships despite everything, despite various trends (polyamory already existed in traditional and primitive cultures, laying the foundations for group cohesion and regulating drive within a system that was the only one that was trustworthy in the surrounding threatening world)?
The reasons may be m.in. the desire to avoid venereal diseases that can damage the genetic code, the regulation of inheritance, the continuation of values, the creation of safe boundaries so that this smaller system can be both separate and absorbed by another (such as two families of different origins, a social group, a nation, etc.).
How to create a successful relationship when it has so many functions, and the main one is survival? Where is the place for individuality for two people, when the expectations and needs of both oneself and the system from which one comes creep in?
It seems that respect is the obvious answer here. We usually know when we show disrespect to the other person and why, and if not, we can quickly learn it, even if we represent different values and come from a different culture.
The relationship is based on tolerance. It doesn’t mean accepting other people’s role models, but giving space for them, as long as they don’t strike at the integrity that is supposed to give security for the survival of the other person – as long as it doesn’t threaten me, I don’t mind, but I don’t get involved with it, I can just get to know it better.
So, when looking for specific examples relating to close relationships, do we have the right to expect a close person to be subordinated to our expectations? Is it even possible to force someone to be the way we want them to be, because we think they should be like that? Apparently not, and after all, the fight for one’s own individuality is a daily struggle for each of us.
It is said: you can have expectations of me, but I don’t have to meet them.
And then what?
It turns out that it is difficult to be in a relationship when we have different values, different emotional needs, we come into contact with people differently, what else do we care about.
Is it enough to communicate it?
To use an example: Is it possible to build relationships if one person comes home right after work, and the other needs to go out every day after work? What they have in common is, for example, that each of them can’t wait to do what is important to them. In such a case, how can these two people meet emotionally in a long-term relationship, without unnecessary frustration? What can such a relationship be built on? We can talk about respect as the main guideline, but is it enough?
It seems that not necessarily. After all, everyone usually needs to have dinner or dinner with someone, to talk. What can a person returning home and spending evenings there alone for months? Or a person who goes out alone or with friends after work every day and spends time away from the relationship they are officially building. What associations do we have?
Do we know couples who have so much trust in each other, are loyal to each other and give each other space of this type, and their relationship lasts for years? I don’t think there are that many of them.
Usually, after some time, jealousy appears, and trust in a relationship can rarely be said to be something obvious. The need for control begins to appear, resulting from narcissism and fear of loneliness. The less social competence and emotional intelligence someone has, the greater the control, as well as violence, because then despotism creeps in.
Is it possible to take care of individual differences in a relationship?
You can always appeal to respect. A relationship built through awareness of boundaries, needs and individuality is a good point of reference to recognize very quickly with whom we can walk towards such a relationship. It is important to look for balance, which is a huge challenge due to individual differences.
There is a metaphor that life is a kind of tightrope dance. Perhaps it is similar with building relationships.
I think it’s worth starting with goals, realizing how important it is to build a lasting and long-term relationship, also because of the social consequences. Death is sometimes described in a relationship concerning two people and the systems to which they belong, so that they can reach each other and give life, understood as a systemic goal, because it continues immersed in the social system.
If relationships are undurable, it means that they fall apart due to a lack of common long-term goals and a lack of respect for each other. People’s goals are rather short-term and focused on reducing tension within their own comfort.
A very good example of the fight for non-violence in relationships is the 2015 film Pentameron. It opens up a field for reflection on what respect is and what the lack of boundaries in a relationship leads to.
I cordially invite you
Paulina Kubś, MA
Interventional Systemic and Cultural Psychotherapy Clinic.
(13) italic – Eternity & Tale of Tales (2015) Movie Music Video – YouTube
