About Respect in Relationships

In psychotherapy, much is discussed about respecting one’s own and others’ boundaries, about the need to learn assertiveness, and avoiding violence in communication. The trouble is that by barely being aware of one’s boundaries, one can gain a lot (e.g., personal individuality and maturity), but also lose a lot (relationships with loved ones based on a lack of boundaries).

Everyone has their scripts of behavior and expectations towards others, especially those close to them. Even if we understand the origins of different behaviors, thanks to empathy and compassion, it doesn’t mean we tolerate or agree with the individuality of a loved one.

Why can this be? Individuality is a threat in general because it involves responsibility and adhering to values that may be unfortunate for others – we don’t cultivate a certain way of thinking, but our own.

We then fight against the imposed narcissism of someone who has some kind of power due to their social position (father over son, mother over daughter and son, brother over sister, policeman over citizen, leader over nation, etc.), resulting from a certain culture and politics that gave that person or social group a chance to survive. Individuality then stirs controversy, as it destroys the coherence of the system.

What about close relationships? It should be simpler. But why do we build relationships and strive for monogamy and the permanence of relationships despite everything, despite various trends (polyamory existed in traditional and primitive cultures, providing the basis for group cohesion and regulating the drive within the system, which was the only one trustworthy in the surrounding threatening world)?

Reasons can include avoiding venereal diseases that can damage the genetic code, regulation of inheritance, continuation of values, creating safe boundaries so that this smaller system can be both separate and absorbed by another (like two families of different origins, social group, nation, etc.).

How to create a successful relationship, given that it has so many functions, with survival being the main one? Where is there room for individuality for two people when expectations and needs of both oneself and the system from which one originates creep in?

It seems that respect is the obvious answer. We usually know when we show disrespect to another person and why, and if not, we can quickly learn, even representing different values and coming from another culture.

A relationship is based on tolerance. It doesn’t mean adopting foreign patterns, but giving them space, as long as they don’t strike at the integrity that provides security for the survival of the other person – as long as it doesn’t threaten me, I have nothing against it, but I don’t commit to it, I can just get to know it better.

So, looking for specific examples relating to close relationships, do we have the right to expect a loved one to conform to our expectations? Is it even possible to force someone to be the way we want, because we think it should be? Apparently not, yet the struggle for one’s individuality is the daily effort of each of us.

It is said: you can have expectations of me, but I don’t have to fulfill them.

And what then?

It turns out that it’s hard to be in a relationship when we have different values, different emotional needs, we interact differently with people, we care about different things.

Is it enough to communicate this?

Using an example: Can you build relationships if one person comes home right after work and the other needs daily outings to the city after work? What connects them, for example, is that each can’t wait to do what is important to them. How in such a case can these two people meet emotionally in a long-term relationship, without unnecessary frustrations? What can such a relationship be built on? We can talk about respect as the main guideline, but is that enough?

It seems not necessarily. Because usually everyone needs to have dinner or lunch with someone, to talk. What can the person returning home and spending evenings alone for months do? Or the person who goes out every day alone or with friends after work and spends time away from the relationship they are officially building. What associations do we have?

Do we know such couples who have such trust in each other, are loyal to each other, and give each other this kind of space, and their relationship lasts for years? There don’t seem to be that many.

Usually, after some time, jealousy appears, and trust in the relationship can rarely be spoken of as something obvious. The need for control begins to emerge, stemming from narcissism and fear of loneliness. The lower someone’s social competencies and emotional intelligence, the greater the control, likewise violence, as despotism creeps in.

Can we care for individual differences in a relationship?

We can always refer to respect. A relationship built through awareness of boundaries, needs, and individualities is a good reference point to quickly recognize with whom we can walk towards such a relationship. Finding a balance is crucial, which due to individual differences is a huge challenge.

There is a metaphor that life is like a tightrope dance. Perhaps it is similar with building relationships.

It’s probably worth starting with goals, realizing how important it is to build a lasting and long-term relationship, also because of social consequences. Sometimes the death in a relationship concerning two people and the systems they belong to is described, so they can meet and give life, understood as a systemic goal, because it remains immersed in the social system.

If relationships are unstable, it means that they fall apart due to a lack of common long-term goals and lack of respect for each other. The goals of individuals are rather short-term and focused on reducing tension within their own comfort.

A very good example of the fight against violence in a relationship is the 2015 film ‘Tale of Tales’. It opens the field for reflection on what respect is and what leads to a lack of boundaries in a relationship.

Kind regards,

M.A. Paulina Kubś

Cabinet of Interventional Systemic-Cultural Psychotherapy