On Lost Patterns of Masculinity

Dear All,

how much has been said in recent decades about the lack of masculinity role models, and even a crisis of masculinity. It is as if certain issues are not obvious – these role models are missing because there was no example of a father in the family. This problem is cited by a great many young men and women who cannot arrange their lives.

A man suffering from a lack of masculinity role models, fails to meet expectations because he is irresponsible and immature. He chooses technology and computers and avoids relationships, and is not ready to become a father. He often manifests addiction tendencies and seeks fleeting friendships. He is also ineffective in action and lacks the discipline and self-denial to succeed in life. He also shows no respect for authority figures.

What is the origin of this? Is it possible that through the lack of a father or his insufficient role model, one can conclude: “I can’t reach my potential as a man who also meets socio-cultural norms. I don’t have anyone to emulate, so I won’t conform to expectations, and in retaliation I pursue self-destruction and destruction of norms”?

Is intelligence not enough to decide what is optimal and developmental? It seems precisely that it is a matter of choice. And a fully informed one at that.

As a psychotherapist, my impression is that this is a matter of some latent social depression, unidentified in its source. I’m not entirely sure it can be cured if the life choice is immoral. I’m sorry to use words with a religious and ethical connotation, but I don’t know of better ones, since this is about morality, which is expressed in life choices.

It’s as if there is an unwritten syndrome of unexplained origin, “I can’t succeed as a man and I feel doomed to failure.”

I would say that there is a lack of cultural role models, not family role models, and there is social acceptance of men’s weakness and inferiority, which does not change women’s place in the social hierarchy at all. In fact, the lower a man stands in this hierarchy, the lower he sets a woman and others in it – we are talking about LGBTQ+ people in particular.

Despite the increase in the quality of life, opportunities to build partnerships, men choose to be confused, disagree with being sons of their own fathers, and often disagree with life (“I know I’m going to die, so why bother trying”). I think this is a very disturbing trend that has turned into a trend (incidents, online violence, etc.), turning into something permanent. You hear statements like “Although I wanted a partnership based on taking care of each other and sharing responsibilities, I can’t convince myself to clean up (for 5 years) and I’m not trying to explain or resolve this other than through withdrawal and lack of communication.”

I don’t know if the lack of male role models can be explained by the lack of obvious behaviors for men – after all, they are recorded even in pantheons of deities, as characterizations of male gods.

Unfortunately, in searching for explanations, I am unable to find any additional perspective or point of reference other than morality. In the phenomenon of looking for role models and complaining about them, there is a person’s agreement to act inappropriately – as if morality should be learned from observing a father figure, because there is no other pattern of behavior.

It seems that the reason for these troubles may also be a matter of social disapproval of violence, lack of knowledge of the natural hierarchy and that caring, sensitivity and responsibility are also masculine qualities. There is also a lot of pressure to succeed. In doing so, it is necessary to have the libido and drive under control in order to focus on accomplishing tasks, which, with frequent addiction to pornography and drugs or gambling, can be problematic.

As a psychotherapist myself with an additional interest in cultural and religious studies and psychology, and with a fascination for evolutionary knowledge as well, I can’t see where many men’s responses to their social depression (let me call it that) concern the lack of fathers they can recognize as their role models. It’s as if a clinch has formed, expressed in ambivalence: hatred and longing for fathers and dependence and contempt for mothers. At the same time, for many young men, life turns out to be an insufficient value to be valued, as seen in the rush to self-destruction. Women tend to regard life as a value, but attitudes toward parents can be similar. They seek love and pursue it as well as material security.

These are the tidbits contained in the modern meanderings of the male psyche – why I harm myself and others, choosing an attitude aimed at destruction and self-destruction, having moral consciousness and access to unlimited knowledge. The question of why this happens may become an interesting issue for psychotherapists or humanistic and existential psychologists.

Warmly inviting you,

Paulina Kubś, M.A. 

Cabinet of Interventional Systemic-Cultural Psychotherapy

https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=aKpEV7LzNY0…