Sexuality: a taboo subject or a space for dialogue?
Sexuality has at least ceased to be a taboo subject for several years. I admit that for a long time, as a student, I myself followed the discourse out of curiosity, believing that sexuality is hugely insulted and even associated with evil. It turns out that this happens for a reason. A lot has changed in the idea of sexuality and knowledge about, for example, female sexuality (from a female perspective, even orgasm was noticed late) thanks to the sexual revolution, subsequent waves of feminism, female spirituality.
Sexual boundaries
In order to understand sexual boundaries, which for a long time were not even taken into account, some social groups had to cross it. We will not find out without transgression what is on the other side if there are no examples. The problem is that most of the examples of transgression are found in literature, so why experience and try everything for generations to come?
Sexuality and psychology
In psychology, solutions were sought to prevent violence, mainly the behavior of chimpanzees and other primates was analyzed. What can be the direction of reducing tensions in the group, including individually, so that as many individuals as possible can survive (this is not an explicit question, but this is what it is about when we are looking for an answer to how a given species or herd solves problems in the group or accepts a new individual, including whether they survive a loss if one of them dies). For example, bonobo chimpanzees were often relied upon, which are characterized by a lower level of violence within their own species, a higher degree of functioning in the group, or a high position of females in the hierarchy of the group. In short, young female chimpanzees, if they cannot stay in their own group, move to another herd, where they remain under the guardianship / protection of the older female, building a bond with her through sex. They are evolutionarily and anatomically prepared for this, their genitals are displaced enough to be able to freely satisfy each other sexually between females. Not only for procreation, but just for being in a group. Psychologists, comparing the level of violence of the common chimpanzee, including gorillas, where rape, assault, food for sex, considered bonobo chimpanzees to be definitely more developed. But what about the fact that the female remains a sexual object within another species anyway and sexually secures her survival in the new group? What does this mean for homo sapiens and what should it take as an example? To sum up, I think that people in the 21st century are really satisfactorily trying to go through the issues of belonging to a group (we work for ourselves, the bargaining point is property or money, sex is not only for procreation and survival for the group, so not as a duty , but it is also supposed to be pleasant, safe for both parties and serves to build bonds within the people who are bonded, preferably permanently). We try to avoid dehumanization, degradation due to gender, and we have wars in several situations (evident threat, poverty, lack of possibility of survival in a given area, lack of resources such as water, mineral resources, unfortunately also the presence of too many bisexual people (lack of heteronormative women), with whom extremely homosexual people also have a problem because it is difficult for them to build a lasting bond and a long-term relationship. Related to the fear of perversion, i.e. excessive openness to sexual excitement rather than love, i.e. fear of betrayal and lack of grounds for the survival of monogamous relationships.
Women and their sexuality
What we are observing, women can really develop in almost any dream role, just like men, they have also appeared at the level of language, even if it sounds strange (a psychologist, not just a psychologist), they can live independently and independently, and if they don’t want to, they don’t have to have children.
Similarly, issues related to abortion. Many women, especially those from ultra-extreme environments, know how to take care of themselves, so they should not be afraid of the lack of abortion (access to education, understanding human rights according to their own values). They know that they cannot be forced to do anything, and they can also use their intuition, which they can test. It is no longer just a wandering uterus and histrionic experiences, but the right to experience the world with the help of senses and experiences, which can later be confirmed by knowledge. Let us also remember that the worlds of matriarchy and patriarchy are intertwined and coexist almost at the level of the collectively conscious mind. Problems begin when there are too many taboos within a given culture or group and we are still dealing with too low a level of education, lack of truth already at the intergenerational level, shame, violence, e.g. due to the occurrence of addictions. Then there will always be violence in one form or another and the experience of enslavement rather than the right to responsible self-determination. Thinking in sexual terms is harmful. Sex is not a task or an end in itself, Sex that is not good, unsatisfactory, risky is not worth having. It is possible to damage the nervous system, not to mention developing harmful habits in intersex behavior or venereal diseases. To be sexually active, you need to know a lot about protection, venereal diseases and what the consequences are (e.g. a relationship with someone for many years or pregnancy, or lack of financial capabilities. Please remember that this is not a statement promoting abortion, but increasing self-awareness and responsibility in terms of one’s body).
Responsible sexual activity
Sex can also cause mental disorders if we observe disinhibition, lack of respect for the other person, i.e. if it is only aimed at reducing tension due to the lack of examples and access to pornography. Therefore, if sex is only healthy! So:
- no pornography,
- control of sexual desire (including masturbation, i.e. nothing too much),
- personal hygiene and taking care of health and physical condition,
- an approach based on respect for oneself and others,
- knowledge about the risks and diseases of venereal diseases and how to prevent them,
- if we are looking for knowledge, we should look for it from good love and erotic films, and literature (people who read a lot have the ability to sublimate drive and creativity, and not the need to immediately react due to the appearance of physiological signs of drive),
- reading books and classical poetry (fiction in general) about love,
- increasing the body’s self-awareness,
- exercises, massages,
- avoiding psychoactive substances,
- control of aggression and violence,
- focus on good relationships and self-development,
- thinking in terms of responsibility,
- preventive blood tests and gynecological and urological care for men.
In relationships based on a healthy bond, respect is a really conducive element for a healthy and satisfying sex life. It is also very important to know that we differ from each other for various reasons in terms of sexual needs (individual differences, temperament). For women in long-term relationships, it is normal to seek support and relationships rather than sexual gratification itself. Many women who are also mothers only need a little sex in a month to say that they are fine. Forcing sex is a form of oppression and violence that have a very bad effect on the psyche of women and also men, if the situation is the opposite at the level of temperament.
There are practically no women who, after many years of relationship, want to have sex several times a week (if they are heterosexual and do not have sexual disorders). There can be no place for pain and discomfort in sex, if it is otherwise, then sexuality becomes an opportunity to vent anger at a partner or intentional abuse. If it is not safe and pleasant, but oppressive, then we can talk about abuse or violence in the relationship.
It often turns out in patients’ accounts that sexuality, which is an end in itself, is based on abuse.
It is also important for people to know that venereal diseases and viruses associated with it can damage health and the fetus even before conception. Communication about sex itself can sound unpleasant as abuse, excitement and lust is different from humiliation. You must not force a person with a lower drive to give the sexual response that is expected of him. Personally, I believe that the answer to the lack of responsibility for one’s own drive is a change in the way of life and beautiful and classical literature. It is a learning to imagine boundaries, learning empathy, adopting the perspective of the other person, learning communication, learning polite phrases, curiosity about the world, openness to experiences, a basis for the development of imagination, and also increases thinking about responsibility. Mentioning the topic of female sexuality, the sexuality of LGBTQ people can often be associated with sexual disorders due to problems in the field of experiencing one’s own psychosexual identity, also a specific sexual orientation. Due to the rejection and the very style of being imposed by people addicted to pornography, it shows the way for young insecure, often rejected people, associated with risk and perversion. In this group there is a lot of people looking for love, support and respect, they become victims of perversity and deviants. Therefore, it is necessary to give the necessary support and develop forms of understanding and therapy for this group so that they are also safe within their problems with sexuality and being in relationships. The problem may be the issue of starting a conversation about people who define themselves sexually and not relationally. You need to work on the language here as well. So if I’m gay, it’s not that I prefer men sexually, but I want to be in a relationship with a man and I can’t do otherwise. I don’t feel any desire other than lust for a man.
Problems of sexual minorities
It is worth building a new discourse that it is not sexual minorities that are people who experience themselves differently in a relationship and fulfill themselves in social roles. Let’s try to desexualize such a person and talk about who he is and what he wants in life. The problem of addiction to pornography and nowadays often additionally to drugs or computers, makes relationships shallow, degrades the other person to the function of fulfilling needs. As a result, one can immediately be considered a perpetrator of sexual, mental and emotional violence. A climate with pathological patterns is also created in various areas. Sex is not a punishment, not a reason to die, it is a form of responsible relationship between two adults and sexually mature people. Even if there is no procreation, it does not mean that it has to be bad or dangerous.
Regards,
Paulina Kubś, MSc, Interventional Systemic and Cultural Psychotherapy Clinic
Author of the IPSK method
