How to start reclaiming yourself?<\/a><\/li><\/ul><\/nav>\n\nSubmission training and the ethos of the “Polish Mother”<\/h2>\n\n To fully understand the problem of the lack of boundaries, we cannot look at man in a vacuum. We are born and function in a strictly defined system. In our latitude, burdened with a difficult history, wars and years of scarcity, sacrifice for others has been the highest and most rewarding virtue for decades<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\nFor generations, we have been taught (directly or by observation) that a person’s worth is measured by how much he can bear, how much he can give of himself and how much he can give up his own comfort for the sake of the “higher good” \u2013 family, children, work or community.<\/p>\n\n
\nFrom<\/strong> an early age, girls enter the cultural script of the “good girl”, and later the ethos of the self-sacrificing “Polish Mother”. They are rewarded for being agreeable, smiling, caring for others and suppressing anger. Anger in a girl is culturally considered ugly and unacceptable.<\/li>\n\n\n\nBoys<\/strong> , on the other hand, are taught that their value is to take on burdens, be reliable and not show weakness. They are required to be useful and not to “cause problems” with their difficult emotions.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\nWhen we grow up in a family, school, or religious environment where our worth depends on how much we conform to the expectations of those around us, our brain creates a very clear and violent script: “If I cause trouble, if I say NO, I will be punished or rejected and I will feel discomfort by not fiting.”<\/em> And for the human nervous system, rejection by the “herd” is a subconscious signal of mortal danger.<\/p>\n\nThe biology of submission, or the reaction to a threat<\/h2>\n\n Why do we feel physical fear before saying “no”? In psychotraumatology and research on the nervous system, basic reactions to a threat are distinguished: fight, flight, freeze<\/em>. However, there is a fourth reaction, extremely common in people who grew up in homes full of tension, conflict, addiction or emotional coldness. It is a reaction of affection<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\nLet’s imagine a child living with an explosive, unpredictable parent. A child has no chance in a fight with an adult. Nor can it escape from it, because it is physically and financially dependent on it. The most biologically safe strategy then becomes hypervigilance<\/strong>. The child becomes a radar: it scans the environment, senses the change in the tension of the parent’s muscles, the tone of his voice, and then does everything to appease him, please him and not provoke him.<\/p>\n\n\nWhat in childhood was a brilliant, even life-saving defense mechanism, becomes our prison in adulthood.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n
We transfer this pattern to partners, bosses and friends. Our nervous system reacts to the slightest sign of dissatisfaction of another person (e.g. the silence of the boss, the sigh of a partner) with an alarm. We automatically surrender our own boundaries, give up our rights, just to alleviate the imagined conflict.<\/p>\n\n
We often make some very important insights, which can be difficult for patients, but extremely liberating. On the surface, people-pleasing looks like submission and giving power to others. In reality, however, on a very unconscious level, it is an attempt to take control of the environment<\/strong>.<\/p>\n\nA person who pleases others subconsciously believes, “If I am perfect, if I read your mind and satisfy your needs before you ask for them, if I always agree with you<\/em>, then you will have no reason to hurt me, judge me, or abandon me.”<\/em><\/p>\n\nIt’s a desperate attempt to manage other people’s emotions. We take responsibility for whether our partner is in a good mood, whether the boss is calm, whether our parents are happy. On the one hand, it’s exhausting, and on the other… it takes away the right of other adults to experience their own frustrations.<\/p>\n\n
What are the costs of being “yes” all the time?<\/h2>\n\n Self-giving never goes unnoticed, and the effects of being a chronic satisfier to others accumulate over the years, destroying us from the inside out and sabotaging the relationships we work so hard to nurture.<\/p>\n\n
1. In the body and somatic health<\/h3>\n\n Our lips may say “no problem,” but our body isn’t lying. Unexpressed boundaries, repressed anger and frustration are imprinted in the body in the form of chronic stress. People in the submission regimen often suffer from migraines, gastrointestinal problems (IBS), chronic neck and jaw tension, as well as autoimmune diseases. The body eventually screams “NO” with the help of the disease, forcing us to stop when we can’t set a limit ourselves.<\/p>\n\n
2. In intimate relationships: Loneliness for two<\/h3>\n\n People-pleasing does not build closeness at all. On the contrary, it destroys it. When we always agree with our partner, when we hide our preferences, fears and fatigue, we create a relationship based on illusion. Our partner doesn’t have a chance to get to know the real us. He loves the mask we put on for him. Over time, this imbalance gives rise to enormous regret. We start to feel used (even though we agree to it ourselves), which leads to outbursts of passive aggression, bitterness and distance.<\/p>\n\n
3. In parenting: No safe framework<\/h3>\n\n Parents struggling with the scheme of pleasing others have a huge problem with setting boundaries for their children. The fear of the child’s anger and crying makes them give in, do the work and are unable to consistently enforce the rules. Paradoxically, children do not need a parent who allows everything. They need a stable adult who will create a safe framework for them, and for this it is necessary to skillfully say “no”.<\/p>\n\n
The hangover of assertiveness, or why do guides not work?<\/h2>\n\n Many people, encouraged by pop-psychological literature, try to apply assertiveness techniques overnight. They say “no” and… panic.<\/p>\n\n
This phenomenon is called an assertiveness hangover<\/strong>. When we finally set a limit after years of submission, we will not feel the magical relief they write about in the guides. We will feel a powerful, crushing sense of guilt, fear and inner compulsion to immediately call and apologize. Our nervous system sounds the alarm, shouting: “You broke the rules, now you will die!”.<\/em><\/p>\n\nThis is a completely normal, biological stage. Our body must learn that refusal does not end in death or the end of the world. This discomfort, this painful “hangover”, you just have to wait it out, teaching your nervous system a new normal. Over time, it will last shorter and shorter, until it finally disappears, giving way to true freedom.<\/p>\n\n
How to start reclaiming yourself?<\/h2>\n\n Returning to oneself does not consist in radically cutting oneself off from the world and becoming a cold or selfish person. Setting boundaries is not building a concrete wall around yourself. It is rather putting up a fence with a gate, through which we consciously let in those who respect our rules.<\/p>\n\n
How do I start this slow process?<\/p>\n\n
\nCreate space between the stimulus and the response.<\/strong> People who please others have an automatic reflex of saying “yes”. To break this, you need to gain time. Prepare “buffer sentences” and memorize them: “I need to check the calendar, I’ll let you know by the evening”, “I need a moment to think about it”, “Sounds interesting, I’ll get back to you when I check my capabilities”.<\/em><\/li>\n\n\n\nListen to physiology.<\/strong> Before you answer anything, take a deep breath. Notice your body. Do you feel tightness in your stomach? Has the breath become shallow? It’s your navigation system that screams that the request is infringing on your resources.<\/li>\n\n\n\nTake the blame off the past.<\/strong> Understanding where our mechanism comes from allows us to look at ourselves with great compassion rather than accusation. Parents or society have shaped submission in us, but today, as adults, we have the agency to break this chain. We are safe. We can put up with someone’s momentary dissatisfaction.<\/li>\n\n\n\nStart with micro-steps.<\/strong> You don’t have to say no to your boss right away or set sharp boundaries for toxic parents. Start with small and safe things, e.g. tell a restaurant that the wrong order was brought to you, refuse to take an additional leaflet on the street. Exercise this “muscle” in situations that don’t carry a lot of emotional charge.<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n\nLearning to say “no” is a process of deep, often painful, but ultimately beautiful recovery. Detaching yourself from the expectations of others finally allows you to hear your own voice.<\/p>\n\n
If you feel that giving up your own needs has led you to a wall, and attempts to get out of this pattern on your own are paralyzing, we can take a look at these mechanisms together. Therapy can help you check what it’s like to set a boundary for another person and discover that the relationship has not only survived after that, but has become stronger and more real.<\/p>\n\n
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Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, Probably many of us are familiar with this scenario: the phone rings, a notification from work vibrates, or a loved one stands at the door with a request. Someone from the family demands a favor on the only free weekend, the boss asks to take an additional project “for yesterday”, and […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":4518,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"pmpro_default_level":"","footnotes":""},"kategoria-bloga":[],"tagi-bloga":[],"class_list":["post-4598","blog","type-blog","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","pmpro-has-access"],"blocksy_meta":{"styles_descriptor":{"styles":{"desktop":"","tablet":"","mobile":""},"google_fonts":[],"version":7}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/psychotherapy-ipsk.com.pl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/blog\/4598","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/psychotherapy-ipsk.com.pl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/blog"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/psychotherapy-ipsk.com.pl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/blog"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/psychotherapy-ipsk.com.pl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/psychotherapy-ipsk.com.pl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4598"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/psychotherapy-ipsk.com.pl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/blog\/4598\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4599,"href":"https:\/\/psychotherapy-ipsk.com.pl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/blog\/4598\/revisions\/4599"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/psychotherapy-ipsk.com.pl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/4518"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/psychotherapy-ipsk.com.pl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4598"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"kategoria-bloga","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/psychotherapy-ipsk.com.pl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/kategoria-bloga?post=4598"},{"taxonomy":"tagi-bloga","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/psychotherapy-ipsk.com.pl\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tagi-bloga?post=4598"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}