Due to the frequency of the violence triangle and Stockholm syndrome, it is very difficult to unambiguously determine the culprit or perpetrator of violence. In fact, everyone has been a perpetrator of violence at some point – it exists in various elements of the system. People also often think in a violent way, with their own comfort in mind.
As a psychotherapist, I really notice how difficult it is often to say unequivocally whether you are dealing with a victim of violence or at the same time with its perpetrator. Therefore, it is necessary to use reference points that will be relatively constant and easy to recognize. Based on these insights, you can create an interview encouraging you to give examples based on the map below:
- the victim of violence begins to believe that he deserves violence,
- The victim of violence feels that she does not have an adequate, realistic assessment of the situation. She is also afraid that someone will consider her guilty or insane, even mentally ill,
- the victim of violence is convinced that the system is against him and the perpetrator is protected (hence the need for support in choosing a lawyer),
- the victim of violence may have inadequate reactions and behaviors such as sudden crying, tension, distraction, anxiety or anger (do not diagnose as a psychotherapist as long as there is a risk of violence on the person),
- the victim of violence learns to ignore experiences such as compassion and pity towards others (their emotional reaction to other people becomes dull),
- the victim of violence is often distraught,
- the victim of violence tries to influence the situation and the perpetrator, creating certain strategies based on creating masks, false self or maybe Persona (she will be worse than the perpetrator, because she comes into contact with aggression and anger in a situation of extreme crossing of boundaries),
- the victim of violence is afraid of new places, literally checks what is happening by expressing it, she will also try to live in a new environment, confronting new realities, maintaining a different approach to threats, which will be incomprehensible to the people around her,
- the victim of violence defends herself through various mechanisms – due to the fact that violence affects the brain, phenomena such as dissociations, derealizations, depersonalization, flashbacks, memory disorders, paralysis in the body, sudden fears may appear,
- the victim of violence may be trying to increase his or her range of self-defense skills or is in a state of learned helplessness,
- the victim of violence needs a lot of support and time to be able to formulate a range of needs that can be met by help (unless they are aware of what is happening – it is not always there),
- the victim of violence may have low self-esteem because their development has been disrupted – they know that they have been left behind because they have made decisions to protect themselves or to leave the place where they have been abused.
- the victim of violence may be isolated, says that she loses strength and is often helpless,
- the victim of violence tries to avoid the perpetrator (unless there is an element of seduction or perversion in this perpetrator-victim relationship), which in turn may arouse a sense of guilt and lack of quick contact for help, because he/she cannot live without the perpetrator or is already experiencing himself as the perpetrator,
- the victim of violence is afraid that he or she is becoming an executioner himself (fear of his own aggression and vindictiveness and hostility, including disgust),
- the victim of violence is genuinely afraid for his life and health,
- the victim of violence stops trusting others, becomes hypersensitive to non-verbal messages,
- Victims of violence who are still under the influence of the perpetrator may exhibit illogical behavior, and may also have many types of reactions, just like people diagnosed with borderline or psychopathy. Victims of violence and people with PTSD should be separated from people with personality disorders – the mechanisms of people separated from the Perpetrator can change quickly),
- The victim of violence fears that she is losing her mind and the chance for a normal life.
We should remember that at the beginning, victims of violence may have wrong diagnoses, because their behavior causes anxiety in others. Therefore, it is important to be patient and prolong the consultation and diagnostic stage in a supportive and interventional direction in order to have a better understanding of the person’s history.
The direction for a psychotherapist is to hear the story and use their knowledge, experience and empathy, because the victim also comes with their own violence (e.g. a tendency to manipulate). Victims can also lie, be like the perpetrator and use some form of violence. Another important moment is naming the roles, functions and scope of responsibility of the victim (the more roles and responsibilities, the better, the faster he will sort it out).
Your own question scenarios can help a lot with this basic framework. In the case of couples psychotherapy, where we do not get to the end of the truth, we can always try to map (try to outline the common structure that they co-create) the history of the relationship to some extent. Often, people who scream, speaking directly about what is happening, become perpetrators if they associate themselves with people who are passive-aggressive, withdrawn, seemingly calm. Factors such as temperament, expectations, past, way of communicating, aspirations, ambitions, attitude towards development should be taken into account, so as not to harm anyone with an inadequate diagnosis.
You are cordially invited,
Paulina Kubś, MA
