Dear Ladies and Gentlemen,
How much has been said in recent decades about the lack of masculinity models, and even the crisis of masculinity. As if some issues were not obvious – these role models are missing because there was no example of a father in the family. This problem is invoked by many young men and women who cannot arrange their lives.
A man suffering from a lack of masculinity models does not live up to expectations because he is irresponsible and immature. He chooses technology and a computer, and avoids relationships, he is not ready to become a father. He often shows a tendency to addiction and looks for fleeting acquaintances. He is also ineffective in action and lacks the discipline and self-denial to achieve success in life. He also shows no respect for authority.
What does it come from? Is it possible that due to the lack of a father or his insufficient role model, it can be said: “I cannot reach my potential as a man who also meets socio-cultural norms. I have no one to imitate, so I will not respond to expectations and in retaliation I strive for self-destruction and the destruction of norms”?
Isn’t intelligence enough to decide what is optimal and developmental?
It seems that it is a matter of choice. And fully conscious.
As a psychotherapist, I have the impression that it is a matter of some latent social depression, unidentified in its source. I’m not entirely sure if it can be cured if the life choice is immoral. I’m sorry to use words with religious and ethical connotations, but I don’t know any better ones, because it’s about morality, which is expressed in life choices.
As if there was an unwritten syndrome with an unexplained background, “I can’t succeed as a man and I feel doomed to failure.”
I would say that there is a lack of cultural models, not family ones, and there is a social acceptance of the weakness and inferiority of men, which does not change the place of women in the social hierarchy at all. In fact, the lower a man stands in this hierarchy, the lower he places a woman and others in it – we are talking especially about LGBTQ+ people.
Despite the increase in the quality of life, the opportunity to build partnerships, men choose to be lost, not to agree to be the sons of their own fathers and often to disagree with life (“I know I’m going to die, so why bother”). I think this is a very worrying trend that has turned into trends (incles, online violence, etc.), turning into something permanent. You can hear statements such as “Although I wanted a partnership, based on taking care of each other together and sharing responsibilities, I can’t convince myself to clean (for 5 years) and I don’t try to explain or solve it in any other way than by withdrawal and lack of communication”.
I don’t know if the lack of male role models can explain the lack of behaviour that is obvious to men – after all, they are even recorded in the pantheons of deities, as characteristics of the characters of male gods.
Unfortunately, when looking for explanations, I am not able to find any other additional perspective or point of reference than morality. In the phenomenon of looking for patterns and complaining about them, there is a person’s consent to inappropriate behavior – as if morality should be learned on the basis of observation of the father’s figure, because there is no other scheme of conduct.
It seems that the reason for these problems may also be the issue of social disapproval of violence, lack of knowledge about natural hierarchy and the fact that caring, sensitivity and responsibility are also masculine qualities. There is also a lot of pressure to achieve success. At the same time, you need to have your libido and drive under control to focus on completing tasks, which can be problematic with frequent addiction to pornography, drugs or gambling.
As a psychotherapist who also deals with cultural and religious studies and psychology, and is also fascinated by the knowledge of evolution, I cannot say why the answers of many men to their social depression (let me call it that) concern the lack of fathers whom they can consider their role models. It is as if a clinch had been created, expressed in ambivalence: hatred and longing for fathers and dependence and contempt for mother. At the same time, for many young men, life turns out to be insufficient value to value, which can be seen in the drive to self-destruction. Women usually consider life to be a value, but the attitude towards parents can be similar. They are looking for love and strive for it and for material security.
These are the curiosities contained in the modern meanders of the male psyche – why I harm myself and others by choosing an attitude aimed at destruction and self-destruction, having moral awareness and access to unlimited knowledge. The question of why this happens may become an interesting issue for psychotherapists or humanistic and existential psychologists.
Best regards.
Paulina Kubś, MA
Interventional Systemic-Cultural Psychotherapy Clinic
