Dear Ladies and Gentlemen,
Very often, when a patient connects with us for the first time in an online session, their first words do not relate to the problem itself. The first sentences often sound like an apology:
“Actually, I don’t know if I should be here.”
“I’m taking time away from someone who definitely needs it more.”
“Others have real dramas, and I just can’t cope somehow.”
You may also know this moment. You hold your phone in your hand (we also have the option of using a calendar form) to make an appointment, but your inner critic immediately starts in your head. We begin to bid on suffering. We compare our pain to other people’s stories and end up hanging up with the feeling that we are simply “overreacting”.
Why do we downplay our own difficulties so much? We look at this phenomenon through the prism of culture, family systems and the biology of our nervous system.
The first trap: “Others have it worse” and the culture of invalidation
In our cultural circle (especially in Poland, with its specific, difficult history), we have been taught for generations that complaining about “trifles” is a sign of weakness. Many of us grew up in homes where we heard the following messages:
- “Don’t cry, nothing happened.”
- “People in war have it worse.”
- “You have something to eat, you have a roof over your head, your health is good – what do you mean?”
In this way, from an early age, our nervous system has learned that our feelings—sadness, fear, burnout—are not validated until some objective, bloody tragedy occurs.
We fall into the trap of gratitude, which becomes a form of self-aggression. We convince ourselves that since we have not experienced extreme poverty or great trauma, then our panic attacks, a sense of emptiness or a crisis in a relationship are simply a whim. We suppress pain by cutting ourselves off from our own body.
Trap two: “Others have it better” and the feeling of being spoiled
The other side of the same coin is comparing yourself to those who seem to be doing great with life. We live in the age of social media and creating the perfect image. We see our friends who reconcile demanding work, parenthood and self-development with a smile.
What comes to mind when we compare them with our morning problem with getting out of bed?
- “If they can do it and I can’t in the same conditions, it means I’m just lazy.”
- “Everyone lives somehow, only I have a problem with ordinary everyday life. Something’s wrong with me.”
This comparison gives rise to enormous shame. This shame makes us hide our problems for fear of being judged, believing that we don’t deserve help – because we “should” cope.
Your nervous system doesn’t know the rating scale
One of the most important moments in psychotherapy is to understand a fact in psychobiology: Your nervous system doesn’t read statistics. It doesn’t watch the news and compare itself to your neighbors.
The nervous system does not rate your pain on a scale of 1 to 10 to see if you have the right to feel bad. It knows only two states: capacitance (I can cope with voltage) and overload (there are too many stimuli and the system stops functioning).
In the modern approach to trauma and stress (represented by Dr. Gabor Maté, m.in), we define trauma not as what happened to you, but as what happened inside you as a result of that situation.
An event that will be a minor stress for someone else (e.g. a critical remark from the boss) can be a paralyzing stimulus for a person with a specific childhood script, causing an anxiety attack or dissociation. And this reaction is 100% biologically justified.
When is a problem “important enough”? (Test of your own limits)
Many patients ask where the limit lies, after which it is “appropriate” to go to a specialist. We avoid rigid diagnoses as the only determinant. If you are wondering if it is time, it is worth taking a look at the list below:
| Situation | What Culture Tells Us (Voice of the Critic) | What Psychology Says (Reality) |
| Chronic fatigue and lack of joy | “Everyone is tired sometimes, pull yourself together.” | The body communicates the overload. Stopping now prevents deep depression. |
| Relationship difficulties, quarrels over trifles | “Others have real dramas, beatings and betrayals. You only whine.” | Unexpressed needs destroy closeness. Therapy helps save the relationship from falling apart. |
| Feeling lost, chaos in the head | “You don’t know what you want, your head is spinning from prosperity.” | Loss of identity is a painful condition, often resulting from living under the dictation of others. Therapy helps to regain oneself. |
| Constant stress and tension in the body | “That’s the climate we have, everyone lives under stress.” | Chronic stress destroys somatic health. You have the right to learn to let go. |
The Golden Rule: A problem is important enough to be treated at the moment when it starts to interfere with your free, authentic life, takes away your joy, and causes you suffering. That’s all and that’s it.
You don’t take away anyone’s space
In the Office, as therapists, we treat pain completely subjectively. We don’t bid on whose story is harder and whose childhood is harder. Despair after losing a job is just as important as fear of a new environment, and working on setting boundaries deserves the same attention as working through deep traumas.
Psychotherapy is not a hospital emergency department, where only the most severe cases are admitted, and others have to wait in the corridor. It is a space for taking care of mental hygiene, to which everyone has an equal right.
By coming to therapy with a “minor” – in your opinion – problem, you are doing something beautiful: you take care of yourself at an early stage, before this problem grows to a size that will completely disorganize your life. It is an act of supreme responsibility for oneself.
If you are still hesitating whether your difficulties deserve the attention of a specialist – we assure you that they do. In the Office, you will find a space free of evaluations, comparisons and bidding for suffering.
