Dear Ladies and Gentlemen,
Probably many of us are familiar with this scenario: the phone rings, a notification from work vibrates, or a loved one stands at the door with a request. Someone from the family asks for a favor on the only free weekend, the boss asks to take an additional project “for yesterday”, and a friend suggests a meeting on the day when we dreamed only of silence.
Even before we think about the situation carefully, a tension reaction may appear – a tightness in the stomach, shallower breathing, tension in the neck and an inner voice that says: “Refuse, you can’t do it, you’re exhausted”. And yet, a moment later, as if automatically, we hear our own voice saying, “Sure, no problem. I’ll do it. Of course I’ll help.”
As soon as you hang up the phone or close the door, you may get angry with yourself. Anger that quickly turns into powerlessness, exhaustion and a sense of imprisonment. We ask ourselves: Why did I do this again? Why does the word “no” get stuck in my throat as if it were a physical blockage?
In popular psychology and guides, this phenomenon is often referred to as people-pleasing, i.e. over-satisfying others, and is associated with difficulties in assertively setting boundaries. Sometimes the problem comes down to a lack of willpower. Meanwhile, for some people, this way of functioning may be a well-established coping strategy, developed over the years under the influence of family, social and relational experiences.
Submission training and the ethos of the “Polish Mother”
To better understand the problem of difficulties with setting boundaries, it is worth looking at the human being in a broader context. We are born and function in a specific family, social and cultural environment. In the Polish historical context, marked by wars, shortages and periods of considerable uncertainty, sacrifice for the family and community was particularly highly valued.
In many families, the conviction was passed on – directly or through observation – that the value of a person is related to how much he can bear, how much he can give of himself and to what extent he is ready to give up his own comfort for the sake of the family, children, work or community.
Girls may encounter a cultural expectation to be “polite,” conciliatory, caring, and focused on the needs of others. In some environments, anger or firmness in a girl is assessed less favourably than the same behaviour in a boy.
Boys, on the other hand, can receive the message that they should be reliable, take on burdens, cope independently and not show weakness. They can also learn that some needs and emotions should be hidden so as not to cause problems to others.
If we grow up in a family, school, or religious environment where acceptance is strongly related to conforming to the expectations of the environment, the belief that ” If I cause a problem, refuse or disappoint someone, I can be rejected or punished” may become established. If belonging and approval were previously particularly important for a sense of security, the possibility of rejection can later cause very strong anxiety and tension.
The biology of submission, or the reaction to a threat
Why do we sometimes feel physical fear before saying “no”?
Studies on threat responses describe, among others, fighting, flight, freeze, and various forms of freezing or immobilization. In popular literature and some therapeutic approaches, the term fawn response is also used – a reaction consisting in excessive adaptation, calming or satisfying another person in a situation of perceived danger. However, it is not a separate clinical diagnosis or an equally unambiguously defined biological reaction as classically studied defensive reactions.
Let’s imagine a child living with an explosive and unpredictable parent. A child has much less ability to influence the situation than an adult and is dependent on it. One of the ways to adapt to such conditions may be increased vigilance to the behavior of the caregiver.
The child becomes a kind of “radar”: he observes the tone of the parent’s voice, his facial expressions, behavior or the atmosphere at home, and then tries to act in such a way as to reduce the risk of conflict.
What may have helped to increase the sense of security and predictability in childhood may begin to make it difficult to freely express one’s own needs in adult life.
A similar way of reacting may later appear in contacts with partners, superiors or friends. Even a small signal of another person’s dissatisfaction – the silence of the boss, the sigh of a partner or a change in the tone of voice – can trigger strong tension and the need to quickly defuse the situation. As a result, we can automatically give up our own needs or boundaries to avoid conflict.
People-pleasing as a hidden form of control
At first glance, people-pleasing looks like submission and giving influence to others. For some people, however, it can have another, less obvious function: to be an attempt to reduce uncertainty by influencing the reactions of others.
There may be a belief, “If I’m perfect, if I anticipate your needs before you tell them about them, if I always agree, you may have no reason to criticize me, reject me, or get angry with me.”
This does not mean conscious manipulation. Rather, it may be an attempt to gain a greater sense of predictability and security in the relationship.
In this way of functioning, however, it is easy to start taking excessive responsibility for other people’s emotions – for whether the partner is in a good mood, whether the boss is calm, whether the parents do not feel disappointed.
It can be very exhausting. At the same time, it blurs the line between what we are really responsible for and what belongs to another adult.
What are the costs of being “yes” all the time?
Long-term resignation from one’s own needs can lead to overload and affect various areas of life.
1. In the body and somatic health
Our mouth can say “no problem” while tension arises in the body. Long-term functioning under stress and overload can be associated with physical symptoms such as muscle tension, headaches, sleep problems or digestive system ailments.
However, this does not mean that such symptoms have a single psychological cause or that unexpressed boundaries cause specific diseases. Somatic ailments can have many causes, so persistent or worsening symptoms require appropriate medical evaluation.
2. In intimate relationships: loneliness for two
People-pleasing can make it difficult to build closeness.
When we always agree with our partner, hide our preferences, fears or tiredness, the other person may have a limited opportunity to know our real needs, opinions and boundaries.
Over time, feelings of imbalance, overload or regret may grow. We may start to feel used, even though we have repeatedly agreed to certain situations. Such an arrangement may promote pinching, withdrawal, increasing distance or behaviour described as passive-aggressive.
Closeness requires not only caring for the other person, but also the ability to show one’s own needs and differences.
3. In parenting: no safe framework
For parents who are very afraid of the dissatisfaction of others, setting boundaries for their children can also be difficult.
Fear of anger, frustration or crying of the child may be conducive to frequent concessions, relievers or difficulties in consistently maintaining the established rules.
However, children do not need a parent who allows everything. They also need age-appropriate, relatively predictable boundaries and an adult who can stay by them even when the child reacts with dissatisfaction.
Skillfully saying “no” can therefore be part of caring for the relationship, not its opposite.
Assertiveness hangover, or why guides are not always enough?
Many people, encouraged by the literature on assertiveness, try to start saying “no” overnight. They set a boundary and instead of immediate relief, they feel fear, guilt or a strong need to withdraw their decision.
Colloquially, such an experience is sometimes called an “assertiveness hangover” – a feeling of guilt, tension or insecurity that occurs after setting a boundary. It is not a diagnostic term or a mandatory stage of learning assertiveness.
For some people, after years of adaptation, refusal can trigger thoughts such as: “I overdid it”, “Now he will be offended at me”, “I should call and apologize”.
However, the mere fact of the appearance of such emotions does not mean that setting a boundary was something inappropriate. Over time and as you practice new ways of communicating your needs, the discomfort may decrease. However, it does not have to disappear completely or at the same rate in every person.
How to start reclaiming yourself?
Returning to oneself does not consist in radically cutting oneself off from the world and becoming a cold or selfish person. Setting boundaries does not mean building a concrete wall around you. It is more like putting up a fence with a wicket, thanks to which we can consciously decide what we want to agree to and what we don’t.
How to start this process?
Create space between stimulus and response
People who tend to please others can automatically answer “yes” before they have a chance to check their own needs.
To break this automatism, it is worth gaining some time. “Buffer sentences” can be helpful:
“I have to check the calendar, I’ll let you know by the evening.”
“I need a moment to think about it.”
“Sounds interesting. I’ll get back to you when I test my capabilities.”
Pay attention to signals from your body
Before you answer, try to notice what’s going on in your body. Do you feel tightness in your stomach? Has the breath become shallower? Did you get an accelerated heartbeat?
Don’t take these signals as unmistakable information that someone is crossing your line. Rather, take it as an indication that the situation is causing tension in you.
Before you answer, check: What do I really want? Do I have the resources to do it? Do I agree because I want to, or primarily because I’m afraid of the other person’s reaction?
Look at the sources of the mechanism without blaming yourself
Understanding where a particular way of responding may have come from can help you look at yourself with more kindness.
Our behaviour may have been influenced by family experiences, social experiences or previous relationships. However, this does not mean that we are doomed to repeat the same patterns.
In many secure relationships, we can gradually learn to tolerate someone’s temporary dissatisfaction without automatically giving up our own needs.
At the same time, it is worth remembering that not every relationship is safe. In situations of violence, threats, strong economic dependence or real risk, the consequences of setting a border may be different and require special caution.
Start with micro-steps
You don’t have to say no to your boss in a risky situation or have the most difficult conversations with your loved ones.
You can start with a situation with less emotional charge: tell the restaurant that you received a different order than the one you asked for, refuse to take an additional flyer, or calmly say that the proposed meeting time does not suit you.
In this way, you can gradually practice noticing your own needs and communicating them in situations that do not involve much risk.
Learning to say “no” can be a process that requires time, practice, and dealing with discomfort. However, it can gradually increase the sense of influence on one’s own decisions and relationships. Separating your own needs from the expectations of others can help you hear your own voice better.
If the difficulty in saying no and setting boundaries leads to overload, conflict, or a sense of loss of influence on one’s own life, it is worth taking a closer look. Psychotherapy can be one of the ways to understand the sources of such reactions and work on how to communicate needs and boundaries in relationships.
The goal doesn’t have to be to learn to say “no” to everyone all the time. Rather, it is about regaining the ability to make a conscious choice – when we really want to say “yes” and when we need to say “no”.
Information: The article is psychoeducational in nature and is not intended to make a diagnosis or replace an individual consultation with a specialist. Difficulties in setting boundaries and refusing can have various causes, so it is worth considering their importance taking into account the individual situation of a given person.
